Fantasy Wars : Revenge of the Giff

Well, my good friend Scott over at Wack Beats ran what I would call a running diary of out fantasy football draft, and I had so much god damn nipple twisting fun reading it, I had to do it myself (only a lot harder to read and about as smooth as a Guinness after brushing your teeth).

I've played in Leather Helmets fantasy football league for the better part of a decade. I've managed to win two league championships..... OK I lucked into last years, but fuck it, so did the 2006 Mavericks. It's a 12 man league, which means it actually does require at least a marginal amount of skill to at least compete every year. If you play in a 10 or 8 man league, I'd like to thank you for being what I figure is my first female reader. Seriously, anything under 12 is for pussies. Which stacked team front to back will win.... WHO KNOWS?!


D-Day..........



So somehow I lucked into the #1 pick in the draft. We have a lottery every year... last place, 12 chances... first place... 1 chance. I pulled an Orlando Magic striking gold two years in a row ( sorry about all the basketball references, it's my favorite sport) and snagged the first one, much to the pain and torture of our league commissioner who I bested by a meager 1 point in last years Superbowl. LETS DO THIS!!!


Round #1

I'm up first, and there was really no debate on who to take. Adrian Peterson. I mean, I guess I could try and be all clever and try to pick the sleeper to be the most devastating force in fantasy, but the all more likely reality is I'm the retarded asshole who passed on the clear cut #1 fantasy player. It's not like he was Ladanian Tomlinson towards the end of his prime, or Priest Holmes. This kid is in his prime, has a loaded offensive line. Only thing that gave me pause was that BACK STABBING, INTERCEPTION THROWING, NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME BLOWING, UNGRATEFUL, DRAMA QUEEN, PIECE OF FU.....errrr.... that old QB coming off shoulder surgery that likes attention. *cough* sorry.

Now the long wait seeing what's left for me.


Round #2

I was really hoping Aaron Rodgers would drop to me with the likes of Brady, Manning, and Brees falling first. No such luck. There's nothing better than having a player who's going to put up big numbers on your favorite team. I made the mistake of telling my other good friend Corey who's on the opposite side of the draft how good I think he was gonna do, kept repeating he was the #2 fantasy QB last year with a more mature team. Then he goes out and just destroys in the preseason, which isn't saying much, but when you convert 7 of 8 drives for touchdowns against first team defenses, you're going to raise some eyebrows.

Lets hope TD's go hand in hand with being a turd.

I was hoping for a really good WR at this spot, but Scott takes Reggie Wayne just as I was going to, now I have to rethink my options. Greg Jennings is there, and I've had him the last two years and really enjoyed him. Only problem is the Packers are stacked with talent on offense. Driver, Jones coming into his own, a sleeper of a TE... I'm just not willing to take it this high. I'm doing the same thing I've done many years which has worked for me, and that's trying to get high value talent when possible even if it's out of order. I generally end up juggling about 4 WR's depending on match up and conditions. It's frustrating at times, but adds a fun element of strategy and so far has worked pretty decent for me.

So I snag Phillip Rivers, which I'm none to pleased with. He's one of the last few QB's who will probably put up some great fantasy numbers. Norv Turner offense, plenty of weapons..... so, errr.. yeah.. he's just a turd. He was that guy in gym class that thought life couldn't get any better than snapping whatever awkward kid with a towel. He's not for me... but then again, I thought Favre was at one point, so what do I know....... that MOTHER FU...... *ahem*.


Round #3

Back to back picks since I'm number one. I generally always do this, and always get a fair amount of crap, but screw it. Two championships and in the playoffs almost every other year, it seems to work. It's Tight End time. Our league is a Point Per Catch league when it comes to TEs. In my opinion, it's crucial to get a top tier guy because of the insane damage they can cause your opponents. I've read a lot of things saying it's a deep TE draft, but I'm not seeing it.

So I take Jason Witten. Owens is gone. Roy Williams has talent, but is often injured, and isn't fast off the block. Oh yeah, and he's best friends with Romo. Prior years it's been Gates, but he's beginning to get banged up on a regular basis. I like this pick a lot.


Round #4

It's back to me again, and I HAVE to get a WR now. Juggling WR's is one thing, but if I wait any longer, Devin Hester and Marty Booker are going to be my starting WR's. What kind of self respecting team would lead with that line up? Probably the same kind of team that would let their mantra be a comedy skit designed to make fun of them.

I go with TJ Houshmanzadadigalazohanthing.... I think this pick has a lot of potential. I'm not really sure what to expect of Seattle, but what I do know is both TJ and Matt Hasselbeck have a chip on their shoulder, and he's really got no other options unless he wants his pass dropped repeatedly. This is gonna the pick that makes or breaks me I think. If he can have a steady year, I like my chances so far.


Round #5

Another curve ball, and this move has gotten my balls busted plenty in the past. Defense time. I take the Steelers. Every one's gone nuts on WR's and RB's. I like my chances of some value swinging back around. Everyone else needs TE's... we'll see how this goes. I like this pick because I've added the #1 rated RB, the #1 rated TE, and the #1 rated defense.

I might have gotten more shit about this, but the rooms attention is diverted by Scotts pick of Donavan McNabb, perhaps the most frustrating player in the history of fantasy. A good 4 to 7 weeks of out of this world numbers, then he's either going to have a mental collapse or break something. I've gone down this road in the past. It's a dark, dank, and pulse pounding road.

Oh, and Corey drafts Hines Ward.... HINES WARD. This is the first of many 'what the FUCK' moments Corey pulls off in the draft. He already was running late and just flew from sleeping, this cannot help his mental state. He must've watched Rocky last night, because he's really banking on the old washed up guys pulling something magic out of their ass.


Round #6

My gamble pays off, at least in my opinion. I'm able to nab Larry Johnson in the 6th round. Yes yes, the same Larry Johnson that actually puts appointments in his Blackberry to slap women and general team cancer. I think KC could be decent this year(well, this was prior to Cassell hurting himself, but fuck'm, he was already getting out played in practice). Johnson seems to have calmed down and actually trying. A much better surrounding cast is helping. Also I'm sure he's tired of being suspended and losing money. Fact of the matter is, as of now he's not in a split back system. This is rare. I think this works out OK for me if he stays healthy.

Round #7

I snag up DeSean Jackson, who I'm a little surprised was still on there. He's young, he's fast, he has a lot of talent. Mentally he needs to mature, but he's a year older. He's also playing for the Eagles and their 75 passes a game offense. My fate now rests in Donavan McNabb's hands and legs... OH FUCK... WHAT DID I DO?!?!


Round #8

Well that this point, I can draft Ryan Leaf and no one will care because the rest of the room has a face like someone just crapped their pants after Corey drafts the walking corpse of Jamal Lewis. Even Scott, who's maintained talking volume conversation and mumbled cursing when losing picks he wanted, couldn't help but unleash a shouting 'WTF!!!!'. Most of Corey's team was in their teens when Jaws came out.... which is exactly the the theme music I'm starting to hear in my head every time it's getting close to him drafting.

Scott nabs Antonio Bryant before I can get my paws on him, and I need some WR's bad. No one I would call a good bet is left and I'm going to have to do some juggling. I go with Santonio Holmes. He's not great, but he'll put up 8 to 12 points most times. Gonna have to play options. He's also the best option on the Steelers... and he can run deep, something I don't think you'll see Hines Ward doing too much of.

Round #9


Need.more.WRs. In the last round luckily someone finally took Bernard Berrien so I wouldn't be tempted. But then again, I wasn't tempted, because I refuse to be even slightly happy if some over the hill, attention hog, emo MOTHER FU...... *adjusting tie* QB happens to get him the ball.

I grab Santana Moss. He's not tall, he's not physical, and he doesn't have a good QB throwing him the ball. He is a #1 option and does have some moves and speed. Again, more rotation.


Round #10

I'm taking Chester Taylor. If Peterson gets hurt, that's still a monster line, and he's a decent back. I've had a top tier running back get hurt behind a great line and watch as some guy with a crap record picks up his backup. It's e=infuriating. I had Priest Holmes the year it happened with Larry Johnson.



Round #11

There's a lack of running backs and I'm running thin. I take a chance on Darren Sproles. LT is aging, and getting hurt. Kind of a dick move, but screw it. He's gonna get some points when they're driving down the field and keeping LT fresh. There's not much left.

Corey snags Fred Taylor. I'm seriously debating looking out the window to see if Corey tried speeding here in a Delorian and somehow thinks it's 2004. Gonzalez, Lewis, Taylor, Ward.


Round #12

I need a backup QB less I be stuck with Culpepper or Russell. I take Garrard. I don't like this really, but there's not much left. If Holt had even an ounce left in him I'm sure Corey snags him. Ahhhh I'm picking on him too much, and the jokes are just getting plain old........ like his fantasy team.....HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA......*wiping tear* good stuff... good stuff...



Round #13

I take the Redskins. They picked up Washington and play in the same division as Tony Romo. I know everyone else is about to pounce on the remaining DST, so I pick them up in case I want to rotate them for a really good match up, like if they play the Raiders, who aren't likely to have much of a game plan since their coaching staff is nursing broken cheek bones.



Round #14

Kicker time! I'm hoping Mason Crosby drops to me because I want to have one Packer on my team, but it's not likely, and doesn't happen. I do end up getting Neil Rackers who I'm happy to get. Good kicker and playing with an offense that is good, but not so good they won't be stopped on the 30 plenty.






All in all I think had a pretty good draft. None of the teams so far look like total power houses. If my WR's pan out I think I stand to have a very dominant team. Peterson should make up for any mediocrity the rest of the RB's have.

Artist Overview - Tool

After moving from Rhinelander, WI after my sophomore year of high school, my best friend at the time Mike started getting into guitar shortly before I did and sent me several 'mix' CD's of some of the music he'd gotten into. Metallica, Sevendust, etc. One band I had not really ever heard much of outside of a single called 'Sober' was Tool. I did enjoy it at first listen but didn't really click with me until repeated listens, which I think is true for a lot of their music. Tool is now without a doubt one of my 3 favorite bands of all time and had a profound influence on me in many ways. This is just a little look back on some thoughts, feelings, and ratings of their albums.






Opiate

Tool's first effort comes in the way of Opiate, an EP released in 1992. Loaded with plenty of 90's teen angst, aggressive lyrics, exciting bass play and some decent drumming coming the way of Danny Carey, the album comes loaded with 5 aggressive songs followed by the title track 'Opiate' which is a change of pace from the other 5 tracks, basically a shot at religion(Christianity specifically) . Two of the six songs are actual live tracks. Cold and Ugly really steals the show on this album in my opinion. The energy in this song is out of this world, to the point I don't know if it was recorded in study it would have hit me nearly as hard.

"Underneath her skin and jewelry,
hidden in her words and eyes
is a wall that's cold and ugly
and she's, she's scared as hell."


Undertow

Tool's first full album comes out a lot more polished and with more focus. Still filled with a lot of the same ideas and sounds off of Opiate as it comes out just a year after it. Sober really shines and provides them their first true hit. It also gives way to Adam Jones brilliant video making skills(He's a trained movie special effects artist working on the likes of Jurassic Park).


The album ends with a pretty funny secret track(Track 69... HUR HUR HUR... really guys?) called Disgustipated. From animal noises to a preacher screaming of genocide of carrots, it builds into a chant of 'THIS IS NECESSARY! LIFE... FEEDS ON LIFE.... FEEDS ON LIFE'.

Good shit




Ænema

After a 3 year hiatus in part due to conflicts with their record company, Tool comes out with their second full album with the assistance of new bassist Justin Chancellor, and boy o boy, do they come out like a bat out of hell.

Largely inspired by comedian Bill Hicks(my all time favorite comedian) who they'd grown to befriend and tour with, Ænema is really Tool at their very very best. Powerful lyrics, amazing musicianship, and a large dose of inspiration makes it one of the best albums I've ever heard. From the slow rhythmic bass work of the opening track Stinkfist, to some amazing drumming in Forty-Six & Two, the album explores the depths of drug use, Maynard paralyzed mother, and their general disgust for all things around the culture of LA/Hollywood, culminating in the epic final song Third Eye which features some audio of Bill Hicks as it leads in. All of these things outside of Jimmy really touch heavily on the philosophy of Hicks comedy and really give the album a real unique feel instead of a collection of good songs. I really wish Hicks could've lived to hear this album. On top of the songs, they honored him with a small little cartoon in the album sleeve of a Dr. Hicks performing surgery on Maynard.





Lateralus

Another long hiatus following some more record label fun, but minus the band turbulence. Lateralus again shows Tool's progress as musicians and as a band. To truly appreciate the album, it needs to be taken in as a whole and not as individual songs. From start to finish it's a single thought/theme which at times can sound very similar, but works beautifully together.

Tool tackles religion in every album they do, but instead of bashing them like their do a lot more in their previous efforts, it's more of a discussion about religion and human's need and craving for it, the relationship of the church to us, the progress of body and mind. Listening to the album, it's a lot like what you'd experience inside of your own head when considering things such as God, afterlife, why are we here, what if there's nothing, etc.

On top of that, some really interesting progressions and some phenomenal percussion by Carey who has a passion for numerology which inspires a lot of his timings and progressions. While not their best album, certainly their most unique and interesting.





10,000 Days

Another hiatus, but this time due to Maynard side project with a former Tool guitar tech in the form of A Perfect Circle, 10,000 Days hit in 2006.

A bit of a change up from the previous two albums, 10,000 days jumps all over the place in regards to content, it ranges from Maynard's mother who passed(the album title 10,000 days regarding about the time she spent paralyzed before passing), to oil greed, human condition, alternated states of reality via drugs. All typical Tool subjects, but really explored in their own individual way when compared to previous efforts.

Vicarious is the first single and track off the album and still feels a lot like Lateralus as far as the sound. After that the album really songs like it's own unique piece of work. The tracks Wings for Marie and 10,000 unleashes one of the slower songs Tool has ever produced and speaks of Maynard moms ascension to heaven(a deeply religious woman). The Pot provides maybe the most radio friendly song I've ever heard Tool produce and really a pretty big change compared to anything else they've done. Another favorite for me is Rosetta Stoned, a seemingly drudging song that just sort of builds and builds and totally destroys ass by the end.








While I would certainly welcome more content by Tool, what they do produce is fantastic albums with a lot of time, effort, and love put into them. I'll take that any day over pushing out an album every other year with a bunch of filler bullshit even the band really doesn't care for.

Man, do I love me some JCVD

Growing up, I was an action movie fan much like any young boy. Arnold, Sly, or even a little Seagal if I was bored enough. I spent many Saturday afternoons imagining beating up punks with an eight ball in a pillow case or telling random villains I'd kill them last(total fuckin' lie... they got dropped). But nothing was truly as sweet as a little justice delivered via jumping split kick. And there's only one man secure enough with himself to unleash a flying split kick, let alone 50.



Jean Claude Van Damme


Top 5 Van Damme movies

#1. Bloodsport
The undisputed king of all JCVD movies. Through teenage trouble making Frank Dux finds himself learning martial arts eventually leading him to the Kumite, an underground tournament with the best fighters in the world(talk about original premise). Great action, a perfect comic relief by Donald Gibb(who plays Ray Jackson), and a fantastic villain in Bolo Yeung. ALRIGHT FRANKIEEEEEEE.

#2. Lionheart
JCVD escapes the French Legion to go help his family in the US who's having their share of problems. The only problem I have with this movie is his brother's widow is pissed at him for not being here, and refuses his help and money. Only problem is she's going to be evicted, works a shitty job boxing apples, and was being supported by a coke snorting degenerate. Maybe take that money and buy your kid some food. Anyways, JCVD kicks ass to the top of the underground fighting tournament(who comes up with these ideas? brilliant). Random matches with characters straight out of a Street Fighter video game. The movie actually ends kinda sweet and touching in a legit movie kinda way, which is a bit weird for Jean Claude, usually it's all split kicks, butt cheeks, banging and screaming.

#3. Universal Soldier
Super soldiers made from the bodies of dead Vietnam war vets.............hey at least it's not another fighting tournament. They actually start to use weapons early in this flick, but much like any good action movie, everyone loses their guns, knives, and bombs and it because a street fight. JCVD wins, and so do we.

#4. Double Impact
This movie should really suck more. Through the magic of movies, Jean Claude plays opposite himself as long lost brothers looking to avenge their murdered parents(can you win two Oscars for one movie? Don't think this was the movie to test that). In just about every Van Damme movie there is some point where they have to explain why this guy is French or at least has a French accent. Double Impact is no different, and by far the most ridiculous. Upon separating, one is taken to Paris, the other stays in Hong Kong. Now I know you're wondering "well that's just stupid, the other one wouldn't have a French accent, if anything, he'd have a Chinese accent). BUT WAIT!!!! Alex is left in front of an orphanage, a FRENCH orphanage. Thank you, Double Impact, now I can not worry about petty things and enjoy the ass kicking. This movie was a surprise to me... HUUUUGEE SURPRISE!!

#5. Kickboxer
JCVD's brother is a world class kick boxer, and we all know you only get respect as a kick boxer when you kick ass in Thailand. Brother goes down, and Jean Claude will be Van Dammed if he's gonna let that stand.........................alright, hopefully you've gathered yourself from all the ROFLing you just did. He trains, he fights, he kicks ass. Seems simple enough, but not really. From start to finish, his enemy Tong Po manages to paralyze his brother, kidnap his friends and mentor, rape his semi-girlfriend, and stab a dog. So he kicks his ass in a tournament, and everyone is just thrilled.....

uh...


I think more than an ass kicking is in order. I mean for fuck sake, kick the man's cat, let the air out of his tire, unscrew the top of his salt shaker... SOMETHING.


Dammit, I've done it again. I've worked myself up. There's only one thing that's gonna fix that.