Man, do I love me some JCVD

Growing up, I was an action movie fan much like any young boy. Arnold, Sly, or even a little Seagal if I was bored enough. I spent many Saturday afternoons imagining beating up punks with an eight ball in a pillow case or telling random villains I'd kill them last(total fuckin' lie... they got dropped). But nothing was truly as sweet as a little justice delivered via jumping split kick. And there's only one man secure enough with himself to unleash a flying split kick, let alone 50.



Jean Claude Van Damme


Top 5 Van Damme movies

#1. Bloodsport
The undisputed king of all JCVD movies. Through teenage trouble making Frank Dux finds himself learning martial arts eventually leading him to the Kumite, an underground tournament with the best fighters in the world(talk about original premise). Great action, a perfect comic relief by Donald Gibb(who plays Ray Jackson), and a fantastic villain in Bolo Yeung. ALRIGHT FRANKIEEEEEEE.

#2. Lionheart
JCVD escapes the French Legion to go help his family in the US who's having their share of problems. The only problem I have with this movie is his brother's widow is pissed at him for not being here, and refuses his help and money. Only problem is she's going to be evicted, works a shitty job boxing apples, and was being supported by a coke snorting degenerate. Maybe take that money and buy your kid some food. Anyways, JCVD kicks ass to the top of the underground fighting tournament(who comes up with these ideas? brilliant). Random matches with characters straight out of a Street Fighter video game. The movie actually ends kinda sweet and touching in a legit movie kinda way, which is a bit weird for Jean Claude, usually it's all split kicks, butt cheeks, banging and screaming.

#3. Universal Soldier
Super soldiers made from the bodies of dead Vietnam war vets.............hey at least it's not another fighting tournament. They actually start to use weapons early in this flick, but much like any good action movie, everyone loses their guns, knives, and bombs and it because a street fight. JCVD wins, and so do we.

#4. Double Impact
This movie should really suck more. Through the magic of movies, Jean Claude plays opposite himself as long lost brothers looking to avenge their murdered parents(can you win two Oscars for one movie? Don't think this was the movie to test that). In just about every Van Damme movie there is some point where they have to explain why this guy is French or at least has a French accent. Double Impact is no different, and by far the most ridiculous. Upon separating, one is taken to Paris, the other stays in Hong Kong. Now I know you're wondering "well that's just stupid, the other one wouldn't have a French accent, if anything, he'd have a Chinese accent). BUT WAIT!!!! Alex is left in front of an orphanage, a FRENCH orphanage. Thank you, Double Impact, now I can not worry about petty things and enjoy the ass kicking. This movie was a surprise to me... HUUUUGEE SURPRISE!!

#5. Kickboxer
JCVD's brother is a world class kick boxer, and we all know you only get respect as a kick boxer when you kick ass in Thailand. Brother goes down, and Jean Claude will be Van Dammed if he's gonna let that stand.........................alright, hopefully you've gathered yourself from all the ROFLing you just did. He trains, he fights, he kicks ass. Seems simple enough, but not really. From start to finish, his enemy Tong Po manages to paralyze his brother, kidnap his friends and mentor, rape his semi-girlfriend, and stab a dog. So he kicks his ass in a tournament, and everyone is just thrilled.....

uh...


I think more than an ass kicking is in order. I mean for fuck sake, kick the man's cat, let the air out of his tire, unscrew the top of his salt shaker... SOMETHING.


Dammit, I've done it again. I've worked myself up. There's only one thing that's gonna fix that.