Fantasy Wars : Revenge of the Giff

Well, my good friend Scott over at Wack Beats ran what I would call a running diary of out fantasy football draft, and I had so much god damn nipple twisting fun reading it, I had to do it myself (only a lot harder to read and about as smooth as a Guinness after brushing your teeth).

I've played in Leather Helmets fantasy football league for the better part of a decade. I've managed to win two league championships..... OK I lucked into last years, but fuck it, so did the 2006 Mavericks. It's a 12 man league, which means it actually does require at least a marginal amount of skill to at least compete every year. If you play in a 10 or 8 man league, I'd like to thank you for being what I figure is my first female reader. Seriously, anything under 12 is for pussies. Which stacked team front to back will win.... WHO KNOWS?!


D-Day..........



So somehow I lucked into the #1 pick in the draft. We have a lottery every year... last place, 12 chances... first place... 1 chance. I pulled an Orlando Magic striking gold two years in a row ( sorry about all the basketball references, it's my favorite sport) and snagged the first one, much to the pain and torture of our league commissioner who I bested by a meager 1 point in last years Superbowl. LETS DO THIS!!!


Round #1

I'm up first, and there was really no debate on who to take. Adrian Peterson. I mean, I guess I could try and be all clever and try to pick the sleeper to be the most devastating force in fantasy, but the all more likely reality is I'm the retarded asshole who passed on the clear cut #1 fantasy player. It's not like he was Ladanian Tomlinson towards the end of his prime, or Priest Holmes. This kid is in his prime, has a loaded offensive line. Only thing that gave me pause was that BACK STABBING, INTERCEPTION THROWING, NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME BLOWING, UNGRATEFUL, DRAMA QUEEN, PIECE OF FU.....errrr.... that old QB coming off shoulder surgery that likes attention. *cough* sorry.

Now the long wait seeing what's left for me.


Round #2

I was really hoping Aaron Rodgers would drop to me with the likes of Brady, Manning, and Brees falling first. No such luck. There's nothing better than having a player who's going to put up big numbers on your favorite team. I made the mistake of telling my other good friend Corey who's on the opposite side of the draft how good I think he was gonna do, kept repeating he was the #2 fantasy QB last year with a more mature team. Then he goes out and just destroys in the preseason, which isn't saying much, but when you convert 7 of 8 drives for touchdowns against first team defenses, you're going to raise some eyebrows.

Lets hope TD's go hand in hand with being a turd.

I was hoping for a really good WR at this spot, but Scott takes Reggie Wayne just as I was going to, now I have to rethink my options. Greg Jennings is there, and I've had him the last two years and really enjoyed him. Only problem is the Packers are stacked with talent on offense. Driver, Jones coming into his own, a sleeper of a TE... I'm just not willing to take it this high. I'm doing the same thing I've done many years which has worked for me, and that's trying to get high value talent when possible even if it's out of order. I generally end up juggling about 4 WR's depending on match up and conditions. It's frustrating at times, but adds a fun element of strategy and so far has worked pretty decent for me.

So I snag Phillip Rivers, which I'm none to pleased with. He's one of the last few QB's who will probably put up some great fantasy numbers. Norv Turner offense, plenty of weapons..... so, errr.. yeah.. he's just a turd. He was that guy in gym class that thought life couldn't get any better than snapping whatever awkward kid with a towel. He's not for me... but then again, I thought Favre was at one point, so what do I know....... that MOTHER FU...... *ahem*.


Round #3

Back to back picks since I'm number one. I generally always do this, and always get a fair amount of crap, but screw it. Two championships and in the playoffs almost every other year, it seems to work. It's Tight End time. Our league is a Point Per Catch league when it comes to TEs. In my opinion, it's crucial to get a top tier guy because of the insane damage they can cause your opponents. I've read a lot of things saying it's a deep TE draft, but I'm not seeing it.

So I take Jason Witten. Owens is gone. Roy Williams has talent, but is often injured, and isn't fast off the block. Oh yeah, and he's best friends with Romo. Prior years it's been Gates, but he's beginning to get banged up on a regular basis. I like this pick a lot.


Round #4

It's back to me again, and I HAVE to get a WR now. Juggling WR's is one thing, but if I wait any longer, Devin Hester and Marty Booker are going to be my starting WR's. What kind of self respecting team would lead with that line up? Probably the same kind of team that would let their mantra be a comedy skit designed to make fun of them.

I go with TJ Houshmanzadadigalazohanthing.... I think this pick has a lot of potential. I'm not really sure what to expect of Seattle, but what I do know is both TJ and Matt Hasselbeck have a chip on their shoulder, and he's really got no other options unless he wants his pass dropped repeatedly. This is gonna the pick that makes or breaks me I think. If he can have a steady year, I like my chances so far.


Round #5

Another curve ball, and this move has gotten my balls busted plenty in the past. Defense time. I take the Steelers. Every one's gone nuts on WR's and RB's. I like my chances of some value swinging back around. Everyone else needs TE's... we'll see how this goes. I like this pick because I've added the #1 rated RB, the #1 rated TE, and the #1 rated defense.

I might have gotten more shit about this, but the rooms attention is diverted by Scotts pick of Donavan McNabb, perhaps the most frustrating player in the history of fantasy. A good 4 to 7 weeks of out of this world numbers, then he's either going to have a mental collapse or break something. I've gone down this road in the past. It's a dark, dank, and pulse pounding road.

Oh, and Corey drafts Hines Ward.... HINES WARD. This is the first of many 'what the FUCK' moments Corey pulls off in the draft. He already was running late and just flew from sleeping, this cannot help his mental state. He must've watched Rocky last night, because he's really banking on the old washed up guys pulling something magic out of their ass.


Round #6

My gamble pays off, at least in my opinion. I'm able to nab Larry Johnson in the 6th round. Yes yes, the same Larry Johnson that actually puts appointments in his Blackberry to slap women and general team cancer. I think KC could be decent this year(well, this was prior to Cassell hurting himself, but fuck'm, he was already getting out played in practice). Johnson seems to have calmed down and actually trying. A much better surrounding cast is helping. Also I'm sure he's tired of being suspended and losing money. Fact of the matter is, as of now he's not in a split back system. This is rare. I think this works out OK for me if he stays healthy.

Round #7

I snag up DeSean Jackson, who I'm a little surprised was still on there. He's young, he's fast, he has a lot of talent. Mentally he needs to mature, but he's a year older. He's also playing for the Eagles and their 75 passes a game offense. My fate now rests in Donavan McNabb's hands and legs... OH FUCK... WHAT DID I DO?!?!


Round #8

Well that this point, I can draft Ryan Leaf and no one will care because the rest of the room has a face like someone just crapped their pants after Corey drafts the walking corpse of Jamal Lewis. Even Scott, who's maintained talking volume conversation and mumbled cursing when losing picks he wanted, couldn't help but unleash a shouting 'WTF!!!!'. Most of Corey's team was in their teens when Jaws came out.... which is exactly the the theme music I'm starting to hear in my head every time it's getting close to him drafting.

Scott nabs Antonio Bryant before I can get my paws on him, and I need some WR's bad. No one I would call a good bet is left and I'm going to have to do some juggling. I go with Santonio Holmes. He's not great, but he'll put up 8 to 12 points most times. Gonna have to play options. He's also the best option on the Steelers... and he can run deep, something I don't think you'll see Hines Ward doing too much of.

Round #9


Need.more.WRs. In the last round luckily someone finally took Bernard Berrien so I wouldn't be tempted. But then again, I wasn't tempted, because I refuse to be even slightly happy if some over the hill, attention hog, emo MOTHER FU...... *adjusting tie* QB happens to get him the ball.

I grab Santana Moss. He's not tall, he's not physical, and he doesn't have a good QB throwing him the ball. He is a #1 option and does have some moves and speed. Again, more rotation.


Round #10

I'm taking Chester Taylor. If Peterson gets hurt, that's still a monster line, and he's a decent back. I've had a top tier running back get hurt behind a great line and watch as some guy with a crap record picks up his backup. It's e=infuriating. I had Priest Holmes the year it happened with Larry Johnson.



Round #11

There's a lack of running backs and I'm running thin. I take a chance on Darren Sproles. LT is aging, and getting hurt. Kind of a dick move, but screw it. He's gonna get some points when they're driving down the field and keeping LT fresh. There's not much left.

Corey snags Fred Taylor. I'm seriously debating looking out the window to see if Corey tried speeding here in a Delorian and somehow thinks it's 2004. Gonzalez, Lewis, Taylor, Ward.


Round #12

I need a backup QB less I be stuck with Culpepper or Russell. I take Garrard. I don't like this really, but there's not much left. If Holt had even an ounce left in him I'm sure Corey snags him. Ahhhh I'm picking on him too much, and the jokes are just getting plain old........ like his fantasy team.....HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA......*wiping tear* good stuff... good stuff...



Round #13

I take the Redskins. They picked up Washington and play in the same division as Tony Romo. I know everyone else is about to pounce on the remaining DST, so I pick them up in case I want to rotate them for a really good match up, like if they play the Raiders, who aren't likely to have much of a game plan since their coaching staff is nursing broken cheek bones.



Round #14

Kicker time! I'm hoping Mason Crosby drops to me because I want to have one Packer on my team, but it's not likely, and doesn't happen. I do end up getting Neil Rackers who I'm happy to get. Good kicker and playing with an offense that is good, but not so good they won't be stopped on the 30 plenty.






All in all I think had a pretty good draft. None of the teams so far look like total power houses. If my WR's pan out I think I stand to have a very dominant team. Peterson should make up for any mediocrity the rest of the RB's have.